Friday, August 28, 2009

Off the Wagon

Well I have been having trouble finding a new sleep schedule with school. I have have not worked out this week. I did however park far away from my classes and walked, the second day. It wasn't worth the hassle to find a close parking space, now I just need an umbrella.

So I tried going to bed earlier but couldn't fall asleep, so I was tired when I got up. Then I was going to work out in the morning, which I usually do in the living room on the treadmill or wii fit. My husband played video games to long before he went to bed. So I am back to having to work out before I go to bed or during the day everyday but Mondays and Wednesdays, when I am at school all day.

I also didn't eat well with the realization that I can't come home to eat. I ate at Magic Wok at school because it was convenient and the salad place didn't seem to have any meat. I did realize this was not going to be a good thing to do everyday so I bought a meal plan that I can use in the dining halls. They all tend to have at least a grilled chicken sandwich to go with their salad bars. They also have a subway that would be better than magic wok but I really wanted Chinese this week. That is going to be a challenge to stay away from so is the pizza in the dinning halls.

I have canceled my Weight Watchers pass because I can already see I won't be able to make enough meetings to make it worth it. Once I get back on track I plan to do the pay as you go plan. It is more expensive overall but since I will probably only be able to make a meeting or two a month with all my home work and my Pure Romance parties it will end up costing less per month unless I get more meetings in. At this point I just have to learn to re-adjust my time schedule to get everything in.

The good thing is that as soon as I find healthy alternatives on campus I have been eating a lot less. The Weight Watchers plan helped me to shrink my appetite, so as long as I don't give into the munchies when I am working on boring homework I should be okay. I don't have as much time to eat and at school I have to stand in long lines to get food, so I just get lunch and find somewhere to work on home work or read or listen to a book for pleasure.

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

School is Going to be Stressfull

I am really going to like my first two classes, but the last one I already find to be difficult. The text book seems to be written by people who speak their own special educated language. It is so boring that I have to re-read what I have read because I my brain turns to autopilot. I read and don't comprehend.

I have to re-think a lot of things, the parking on campus is so bad now that I can't leave during my 2 hour break. So I purchased a meal plan I plan to take a long walk on nice days to one of the places I can use my meal credits. Other than that Mondays and Wednesdays will not be work out days. I will be spending them on campus most of the day.

All of my classes require a lot of reading and writing. I have an American Literature class in the morning, then a Creative Writing class and last I have Current Writing Theory. The theory class is like a science class and it seems to have little to do with writing for the first half of the class.

Two of my classes will be graded with a portfolio at the end of the semester I have never had a class like this so it will be interesting. The good thing is that these teachers are more than willing to take a look at where you are before it is too late to change your grade.

All of my teachers seem supportive but I you can't always tell until you run into a problem. I can't meet with my adviser until Monday and I am a little antsy about getting a real plan in place. I don't want to take a lot of classes that won't count for whatever plan I choose to pursue. I will be able to register for Spring semester in early October so I want to know what classes best fit my goals. If at all possible I would like to take one fun class each semester, like Native American Literature or Literature and Mythology.

Saturday, August 15, 2009

Thank You!!

I want to say thank you very much for the responses and clarify what my issues are without going into too much detail. I think it would be disrespectful to give too many details since my depression is caused by the state of my marriage. My husband is not here to answer for himself. He is a good person and he doesn't abuse me or run around on me.

I love my husband dearly and I do believe he loves me as much as he knows how to love someone. He is a very closed off man and our communication has hit an all time low. I really don't want to blab the details, I just think we need to get to a point where we can communicate. I also have to stop being so passive and stand up for myself, before the issue gets so big we can't deal with it. I am also learning that I deserve to have my needs met just as much as he does even if it is not easy for him.

I believe that I need to work on things just as much as he does but I don't know where to start so I am seeing a counselor. I did ask him to come with me next week. I hope he comes , I am not sure I want to stay with this counselor but it did help to talk to her. I felt like I was holding so much stuff in that just having someone else not involved listen helped me work some things out.

Friday, August 14, 2009


Well today I go see a counselor, I hope she can help me sort out some of my issues. I have bigger issues feeling very depressed but I really don't want to talk about that. I am thinking she can help me with my eating when I am depressed issue too. I have done well after crying for a week I have only over eaten once when I went out to eat last night with the ladies from my small group. Stuffing my mouth with food was easy because there was chips and salsa on the table, it kept me from crying and it felt good to eat.

I know I will never be confident and sexy with what amounts to a food addiction, especially when I look to food for comfort. I have found a wonderful woman on a message board who I am working with as a partner to talk about our food issues. It has helped a lot in my keeping away from too much food. I know it won't help my depression to eat but for that moment it does. In the long run I feel worse.

I have a giant headache from crying and that makes it hard for me to work out, I have also been sleeping too much. I start school in a week so I really need to get this under control somehow and I refuse to take medicine. That just messes with my body and makes me feel numb. I did read a book one of the really bad days. I couldn't take the crying or food cravings anymore so I just sat down with a book found an alternate reality to immerse myself into. I started the Anna Strong Chronicles and will have a review soon at

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Today Sucks

I am having a bad day a little too personal to share here but really I am feeling like doing nothing but eating a huge tub of ice cream. Thank God I don't have that tub of ice cream just some one or two point Weight Watchers individually wrapped treats.

I am doing well with the weight loss about 3.5 pounds in 9 days. No super weight loss going on here, but enough to tell a little difference the way my clothes feel. Up until last night I was very happy about it so I am just going to have to get past this.

I feel such overwhelming sadness today that I can't seem to look past it to the good stuff in my life. I really don't feel sexy with red puffy eyes and I am wondering if I can even even sell Pure Romance products when I can't feel good about myself.

Why do I want to eat when I am sad? I think I will read today instead, pick up a book and loose myself in a world that doesn't really exist. Now I just have to pick one of the many I have in my to be read pile. Maybe start I'll a new series.

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Feeling Sexy

This is a personal blog about my journey to better take care of myself. I have let my self go and each new challenge in my life I get worse about taking care of myself.

I want to look better and feel better to start with. I have joined Weight Watchers with an embarrassing weight of 163 pounds. At home my scale said 161 but the difference is not huge. I am going to try my best to get back to 120 which I feel is reasonable. My healthy weight ranges between 106-132 lbs. for my 5' 1" body. I would like to see the 110 but we will work on that if I can get closer to the 120. I may just not be comfortable with what it takes to be as small as I was in high school.

The title of my blog is Sexy for Life, because I want to feel sexier.

With my weight being a huge issue that won't just melt off with a few workouts I am going to have to work on other things that help me feel sexy or at least good about myself.

I work out at least 4 days a week most of the time but I am going to set a new goal to get at least 20 minutes of Yoga or Strength training in on the days I don't have a lot of time, as well as at least one hour of cardio at least 4 days a week.

I am also going to take the advice I got at the Weight Watchers meeting and just be more active. That won't be much of a problem soon I will be back to class and on the move more. There is no close parking at the University so I will walk more two days a week just to get to class. Then I have time between my classes so I can take note cards and study while I walk around campus.

At home I can do the dreaded task of cleaning. The really sad thing is I hate cleaning but love a clean house. I know I need to do it but I put it off for ...well anything. It makes me feel good to have a clean house.

I have started a morning study and prayer time again. This I think is essential to all of my goals, and it helps me concentrate on what is important.

I am also going to pamper myself a little. Spend some time making myself look more attractive. Use some make up, do my nails, take a bubble bath, get waxed, get my hair done and anything else that helps me feel sexier at my current weight.

So last but not least I am going to spend a lot of time making my sexy man very happy in the bedroom. Even thought I don't always feel sexy I can fake it for now and enjoy the benefits. I still enjoy making love but it is so much more fun when I am not so overweight that my joints hurt.