Saturday, July 31, 2010

Surgery Went Fine, Job Search In Full Gear Now

I had my surgery on Thursday and I was only in pain the first night. I have an interview on Monday so I went out yesterday to find something to wear. They said dress professional so I found a black blazer and a black skirt. I just need nylons and I can use something I have to wear under the blazer.

I hate how having surgery makes you body tired. I was not in pain but by the time I got home I was ready for some rest. I am interviewing for another office job I really wanted something more active but I know how to do office work.

I am praying that God will open the right doors and close the wrong ones. Living in Toledo Ohio makes it so I can't be too picky I want a second part time job and if someone is willing to work around my schedule I should take it. I wish I could work from home but I don't have any good ideas for that.

I had just gotten my eating and working out under control and now I can't exercise for two weeks except light walking.  So that is a little frustrating to me because I have so much trouble starting a program. So Monday I am going to get on the treadmill at a slow pace just to keep it up.

I will be back to document my job searches and my progress in getting healthy.

So far I have applied and interviewed at a Dog Training/Sitting/Grooming facility. A bunch of temp services and I was sent a message because of my posted resume for the interview on Monday. I have a degree in Social Work so I keep getting offers for sales jobs that I don't want. I don't want to sell insurance.

So I am going back and listening to 48 Days To The Work You Love and No More Mondays but Dan Miller. I am hoping to get some ideas and motivation.

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Worked Out Two Days In A Row

I am pretty positive that is not a great accomplishment......actually I am 100% sure that it isn't. Not for me at least I have done very little working out the last 2 months or so but I am determined to change. So I am looking for a free personal trainer on Facebook. That is not really what I want of course but maybe Facebook could be useful for something like finding a few friend who will challenge me to get up off my lazy ass and do something about my health before it becomes a real problem.

I don't want to join some message board or forum or even weight watchers so a bunch of strangers can tell me how to eat and what exercises to do. I want someone one who I know that will keep me on task. Someone who if I ask them to will call me at 6 am to make sure I am up and ready to work out if I ask them to. Okay so that is probably really early for most people but you know what I mean. Maybe that won't happen but at least I need someone to talk to about loosing weight that will not give me excuses for my laziness in this area.

I know it sounds ridiculous but when I am in better control of my fitness I seem to be in better control of other areas of my life.  The problem I run into as you can see from following my blog is that it seems to be hard for me to find balance. I tend to be an all or nothing type of gal and once I get on some sort of plan or kick or whatever you want to call it I get crazy, psycho about getting it done at all costs. I want to be able to balance things where  I don't freak out if I miss a workout or eat an ice-cream. I but I do freak out if I have missed several days of working out and want to eat ice-cream everyday.

I am really going to try not to focus on my actual weight this time and focus more on getting healthy and feeling better. I have started taking a vitamin regularly again and most days it seems to help me feel better. So if I add good healthy eating habits and exercise with the ability to sometimes slack off on both I ought to be able to feel great. I need to feel better and if a result of getting healthy is being thinner that will be awesome. Part of the reason I am so lazy is because I often feel sluggish most of the day. Not just in the morning but when you start a good health plan you have a good few weeks where you are sapped of your energy. I am guessing that your body has to go through changes in you diet and activity and that kind of shocks your system. So here I go again on the diet and exercise plan to get healthy.

Sunday, July 18, 2010

July Has Been One Crazy Month

Well the last few weeks I have really felt like life is just some cruel joke God plays on us unsuspecting humans. I have been praying and reading my bible and yet I keep getting knocked flat on my ass in every direction.

The last five days or so have been a lot better but there is just so much on my mind that I feel the need to keep to myself. I would love to just start typing about everything and spilling all the secrets that I keep but I will save that for my journal. I will give you a short edited version of what has been on my mind some day but right now the most pressing thing to me is that I really have no on to talk to.
This is of course my fault because I have never been a very social person. I have tried to have friends but I don't live the same life as many of them do. I don't have kids and chose not to ever have kids and that is not something most people agree with and even if they do they don't seem to want to hang out with someone who only has dog stories to tell. I try to follow up with the people I call friends but then I just feel like a pest. I don't know when I might wake up the baby or if they just don't want to talk to me. I have no self confidence in this area. I do tend to like to be a lone a lot but I do miss having one good friend I can talk to about anything. Through elementary and high school I had a few such friends and then I got married and lost touch with most of them.

I love my husband dearly but he is not much of a talker and really after about 10 minutes he quits listening to me unless he is really interested in the topic. I used to have a great relationship with my mom too but it is not so great anymore. I can't say it is a bad relationship either but before it gets bad I think I need to change how I relate to her. My mom has been through a lot of changes and I guess I thought we could still be best friends like when my dad was alive but she has a new husband and a new life now so I need to let her live it. My sister can never be one of my closest friends either it would ruin our relationship to try. We are just too different. It took me a long time to realize that and stop trying to change her but I did and now we have a much better relationship but we have learned what we can and can't talk about and if it starts getting tense we try to change the subject. We have both grown up a lot with that we can talk and even hang out now and I want it to stay that way.

So now that I have turned to God as my sounding board I keep getting really frustrated because I want to be a good person and I want to do the right thing but I feel like I am talking to the air. I know in my heart that is not the case but I really wish I had a person I could talk to. I would prefer that person not be family that just complicates things but I also don't want to be that looser who grasps on to someone and won't leave them alone. I can't stand a person who can't give you some personal space but I also can't seem to judge how much personal space someone needs. I think that is what gets me into trouble with friends I actually give so much personal space people think I don't care. I am so afraid that I am over stepping the boundaries that I don't get close enough to anyone. I can't really say I like interaction with people all that much if I am honest. Honestly I don't think it is that I don't like people or interactions with people I just lack confidence these days. I also can say with confidence that I hate crowds and places with a lot of people which is probably why I don't really like church.

So anyway over the last week things are looking like they are going to be organized again and I can continue my search for another job in the next few weeks. I have been trying to take care of the expensive things now and that meant no savings this month but that is okay. I got new glasses ordered yesterday since mine were at least five years old and falling apart. I paid for the truck I ran into the barn at the farm I have been helping out on that was a huge bill and I am going to be paying for the surgery that I so desperately want. Well not paying for the whole thing of course it is covered by my insurance. I will hopefully no longer have 2 periods a month once I have the Ablation done. I go in on the 22 for my pre-op appointment and pay my uncovered portions then. I will have my procedure on the 29th and they only recommended I take the next day off work. I am still waiting to see if I got the job I really want as they don't open until August and in the mean time I am going to stop searching for another job until after the surgery. After that if I have not heard anything from the interview I will just pick up the job search.

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Is This Really Life?

Well I am just feeling crazy lately. I have been doing a lot of thinking. Not a lot of anything else. Well at least that is what I feel like today. I feel like being lazy but I know I shouldn't.

I have had several doctors appointments and I am waiting on scheduling another surgery to help reduce my half a month periods. That could be part of the reason i feel tired and unmotivated a lot.

I have also have been working 9+ hours two days a week and looking for a second job. I have had a few unwelcome surprises along the way that are not helping with the goals I would love to have. I have been very emotional the last few weeks too and only God knows why. I have been praying a lot and I have realized I need to re-connect with my faith. I need grow closer to the God I believe in and I just need to take a break from other things while I do that. I feel like I don't know who I am anymore. I am what others want or need me to be. I am good at that. I have been pretty good at pretending I have it all together a lot too. I don't and I really wish I had a way to vent my anger and someone to talk to about my problems.

I just have God and that should be good enough but some days it would be nice to have a good friend that I could get a hug from. This is not the fault of the people that I call friends. I don't have close relationships because I push people away. I don't want people to know I am not perfect or that parts of my life are a wreck. So if you don't see me around for awhile I am just trying to get it all back together.

Saturday, July 3, 2010

So Tired I Could Sleep For a Week

So I have been working on many things the last two weeks. I have been out to help with things like cleaning a goat stall that held two goats and had not been cleaned for quite some time. I loaded the back of a pick up truck three times. I then spent half another spraying round-up around all the fences and trees and I didn't get it all before I left. I also put a dent in the truck that I was driving which will put me behind on my saving schedule.  I did get to take my dog with me on the day I cleaned the stalls and she had a blast playing with goats from the other side of there fence, running around and chasing cats up trees. I enjoyed the work though I have to say I am thought I might change my mind once I got to doing the work but it feels great to come home tired and to have a more relaxed dog. It really feels like something I would love to do.

I have been trying to reconnect with the God I believe in and some amazing things have been happening. I believe it is God but even if isn't I feel better. I feel less stressed and I feel like I am starting to see new light. I can make it through a day at my paying job and not feel like shooting myself when I get home. Maybe it is just that I am doing more things I am enjoying in my free time. I have had more opportunities to do things I enjoy though since I started reading my Bible again and praying so for me it is not coincidence. I also have had 3 requests for showings on the duplex and a job interview that would pay me to work around animals with the possibility of me taking my dog to work. I have really been feeling relaxed more often especially when I am out on working on the farm. I get anxious mostly when I try to figure out how I am going to make the money to get a farm of my own and at least quit the day job that makes me stressed out. Maybe the farm thing means I should keep that job because I am less stressed out anyway.

I have also somehow in the last few weeks managed to say the right things to get my hubby to understand me more. I want him to help me with planning goals that doesn't mean they can't change and maybe he was just worried that I meant whatever we planned had to be done now or was not flexible. I don't know but he seems to at least be on board for now. He never has before and now I just need to get a second job so he knows that I am super serious about this. Everything really depends on our savings plans because we don't want a large loan no matter where or when we move. He can work more overtime and I can work two or three jobs but we don't want to have no life. We still need time to spend with each other. So we are going to have to balance things.

My hubby has decided it was a wise step to get different life insurance that costs less than half what we were paying for a lot more coverage. I love my insurance agent for car and home insurance but I think his prices and policies for life insurance are outrageous. As long as I live in Ohio I will have him as my agent for other things but I had to shop around for this. We have our exams next week so I won't cancel until they new insurance is in place. That will save us over $650 more a year. We have cut so much out of our budget we are starting to look a little crazy. A rough estimate on what we will be saving a year since I started cutting the budget is about $3000 dollars. I am really rather excited about being able to save more money towards our farm fund. Oh did I mention my paying job that was going to disappear instead gave me more hours. How is that for a miracle.

So I still have more work to do around this house today and I am going to take it easy this holiday weekend. I have some other stuff going on as well but I think I will save it for another post.