Sunday, July 18, 2010

July Has Been One Crazy Month

Well the last few weeks I have really felt like life is just some cruel joke God plays on us unsuspecting humans. I have been praying and reading my bible and yet I keep getting knocked flat on my ass in every direction.

The last five days or so have been a lot better but there is just so much on my mind that I feel the need to keep to myself. I would love to just start typing about everything and spilling all the secrets that I keep but I will save that for my journal. I will give you a short edited version of what has been on my mind some day but right now the most pressing thing to me is that I really have no on to talk to.
This is of course my fault because I have never been a very social person. I have tried to have friends but I don't live the same life as many of them do. I don't have kids and chose not to ever have kids and that is not something most people agree with and even if they do they don't seem to want to hang out with someone who only has dog stories to tell. I try to follow up with the people I call friends but then I just feel like a pest. I don't know when I might wake up the baby or if they just don't want to talk to me. I have no self confidence in this area. I do tend to like to be a lone a lot but I do miss having one good friend I can talk to about anything. Through elementary and high school I had a few such friends and then I got married and lost touch with most of them.

I love my husband dearly but he is not much of a talker and really after about 10 minutes he quits listening to me unless he is really interested in the topic. I used to have a great relationship with my mom too but it is not so great anymore. I can't say it is a bad relationship either but before it gets bad I think I need to change how I relate to her. My mom has been through a lot of changes and I guess I thought we could still be best friends like when my dad was alive but she has a new husband and a new life now so I need to let her live it. My sister can never be one of my closest friends either it would ruin our relationship to try. We are just too different. It took me a long time to realize that and stop trying to change her but I did and now we have a much better relationship but we have learned what we can and can't talk about and if it starts getting tense we try to change the subject. We have both grown up a lot with that we can talk and even hang out now and I want it to stay that way.

So now that I have turned to God as my sounding board I keep getting really frustrated because I want to be a good person and I want to do the right thing but I feel like I am talking to the air. I know in my heart that is not the case but I really wish I had a person I could talk to. I would prefer that person not be family that just complicates things but I also don't want to be that looser who grasps on to someone and won't leave them alone. I can't stand a person who can't give you some personal space but I also can't seem to judge how much personal space someone needs. I think that is what gets me into trouble with friends I actually give so much personal space people think I don't care. I am so afraid that I am over stepping the boundaries that I don't get close enough to anyone. I can't really say I like interaction with people all that much if I am honest. Honestly I don't think it is that I don't like people or interactions with people I just lack confidence these days. I also can say with confidence that I hate crowds and places with a lot of people which is probably why I don't really like church.

So anyway over the last week things are looking like they are going to be organized again and I can continue my search for another job in the next few weeks. I have been trying to take care of the expensive things now and that meant no savings this month but that is okay. I got new glasses ordered yesterday since mine were at least five years old and falling apart. I paid for the truck I ran into the barn at the farm I have been helping out on that was a huge bill and I am going to be paying for the surgery that I so desperately want. Well not paying for the whole thing of course it is covered by my insurance. I will hopefully no longer have 2 periods a month once I have the Ablation done. I go in on the 22 for my pre-op appointment and pay my uncovered portions then. I will have my procedure on the 29th and they only recommended I take the next day off work. I am still waiting to see if I got the job I really want as they don't open until August and in the mean time I am going to stop searching for another job until after the surgery. After that if I have not heard anything from the interview I will just pick up the job search.

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