Wednesday, August 25, 2010

I Think I Figuerd Out Why I Feel So Negative All The Time

I have been trying for years to figure out what has been making it hard for me to be happy and positive. My life doesn't suck when I take a step back and look inside my life is really great. Yet I get stressed out and depressed so easily. For a while I thought maybe it was my marriage or my job or even myself. I am not sure how the revelation came to me but I am pretty sure I have figured it out. My marriage is not bad could use some more communication but it is not actually the marriage. My job is a lot better than it used to be and I am part of the problem but not the whole problem.

I am pretty sure my discontentment comes from not having a plan. It is not for my lack of planning and setting goals but the fact that I can't figure out how to make my hubby understand my need for this. I used to think I was unhappy only because of the lack of communication in our marriage. Now I know if we talked for hours but never made plans for the future that I would still be unhappy.

So when my hubby tries to talk more he probably feels frustrated because it doesn't seem to help. He loves me and he tries but he is also the kind of guy who is happy to go to work and play video games and do it again the next day. He does not like to make plans and he really doesn't like to think about the future.

So what I have done up until today is make my own plans and try to get the hubby on board. He just agrees to keep me quite or leave him alone and then when I want to take action on something he finds a reason we shouldn't. It is not working and it is what is making me feel like crap all the time. I feel crushed when I make a bunch of goals and they can't be lived out, or if I do then I get blamed for any tiny bad thing that results. I can admit I have done a lot of stupid things in 33 years of life but in the years we have been married I have not made a lot of bad decisions that cost me more than a few hundred dollars.

We have a rental property with a small mortgage and 4 paid off cars. We have rent a house and we save quite a bit every month because I do all the financial stuff and I am pretty frugal and of course I love to live on a plan. It just feels so empty when it is just my plan. Who knows though maybe now that I have found the root of the problem and discuss it with my hubby that he will feel like he can focus on that instead of trying a bunch of other things. He really is a good guy.

I wish I would have figured this out years ago. I am not sure how the counselors that we have been to have not figured this out considering most of my complaints about our marriage were about the lack of planning for the future. I don't usually have too many other complaints about my husband at least not anything real important. I also think any of the minor things will be fine if we can focus on this one issue that has really been bothering me.

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