To make a long story short my poor self esteem comes from many places and fixing the weight problem would never make me feel good about myself if I didn't fix other areas of my life. First there was no fun and nothing to strive for in my life. I was just trying to be what I thought I should be. Thin yes but a mature adult who doesn't do anything risky went along with my idea of what I "should" be.
So there was this crazy girl all locked up inside of me dying to get out and I just kept stuffing her back in thinking there was not middle ground. I just assumed that if I let the wild side out I would end up unable to be the person I believed I should be. Now don't get me wrong I am not really that wild but growing up in a conservative household I somehow decided that being sexy was not a good thing. I thought that I had to act my age but I am 34 and was acting more like an 80 year old. I didn't realize it but somehow I had decided that just about everything I liked and enjoyed doing was some how wrong or just for young people.
Before you have crazy visions of strippers and girls gone wild this girl keeps her clothes on, they might be small clothes but there is only one man that will be seeing this girl naked. I am married to that man and he is the only one that gets to see or touch! I don't drink and I go dancing to dance not to pick up men or get drunk. I only pole dance at the studio, I am learning Latin and Ballroom dancing as it is more adaptable and not quite as suggestive for when I go out for a night on the town.
After a weeks of taking the pole classes all I could think about when looking at the more advanced students was "I WANT TO DO THAT." I have pushed, worked,practiced and learned in class at home and in my head to get as far as I can as fast as I can. I have somehow lost a bunch of fat and gained a bunch of muscle but the feeling of accomplishment far outweighs the weight issues. I love that part of my life and I am working on bringing that feeling into other areas of my life.
I just needed to find something I really wanted! If I could do this for a job I would be the happiest woman alive. I am working to be my best at it and maybe someday I can do this for a job. In the mean time I am going to pour my energy into a website focused on pole dancing. I will hopefully be able to use it to make enough money to pay for classes but if I don't at least it will be something I am passionate about.
I am still struggling with working I am a big baby and I really don't want to go to work. I have been frantically trying to find a good work at home job and found some pretty decent little online jobs and sites that will pay with enough referrals but they take a lot of time for a little pay until you build up your reputation or down-line. I just dread spending time working on them. I wish I could feel that passion for working that I feel for dancing.
Next week I have a week off from the studio because it is closed so I plan to work hard on my Pole website. I am hoping that after I get over all the how to's of building a website and marketing that I will be able to make it a successful work at home business.
I am hoping to be able to make some money with my Herbalife stuff too but I am going to base my sales on honest marketing from now on. I don't like the way most people market the products and I am going to make my own campaign. I can't get behind the strategies they use so I am going to make my own! I am so tired of all the ads that have some fat woman who is bikini ready and all toned up in six month with a moderate exercise program and some diet product. Even worse are the guys that look like Vin Diesel after six weeks of using the product. I am not going to lie about the hard work it takes to look like that and if I don't get sales it was not meant to be.
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